Today is Zach's birthday. A few facts about Zach...
- He is the 8th child.
- He is the 5th boy
- He is the only child with dimples.
- His middle name is Asher, who was Jacobs' 8th child.
- He loves Root Beer & Skittles
But, that is not all I wanted to tell you about Zachary. If you read my post about Ben, you read how I went through a depression (as a result of a car accident) while I was pregnant with him. Soon after Ben was born I knew that I didn't want to have another baby & still be depressed. I was sick. My kids didn't have the mother they needed or deserved. My husband didn't have the wife he needed or deserved. I prayed that God would not give me another baby until He had healed me of my depression. I had never prayed like that before. I had never asked God to close my womb, children are a gift from God and I never wanted to say "No" to His gifts. But, this prayer came out of my mouth anyway. "Please don't let me get pregnant". I didn't trust myself as a mother. I didn't like the kind of mother I had become.
I went months heading the advice of my closest friends who knew I struggled with depression. I went to see a therapist who was more interested in how I manage a house full of kids than helping me. I talked to my pastor who told me I was too difficult a case for him & suggested I go see someone & get on medicine. I read self-help books. I even talked to someone from Focus on the Family! Nothing worked.
One day while having devotions with my children the Holy Spirit began to speak to me through the verses I was reading to my children. I was so overcome with emotion that I quickly ended the devotion, gave my children busy work & headed to my room to pray & cry.
I re-read the scriptures I had read to my children & began talking to the Lord out loud.
I don't want to be like this anymore! I don't want to be depressed! Help me! I'm sorry for trying to fix myself & not trusting you. I'm sorry for believing the lies of the enemy. You are the only one who can set me free from this! Only you can make me whole & well again. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my kids & husband again. Help me!
I had my eyes closed & then opened them. I saw colors I had not seen in months. I noticed beauty that I had not noticed in so long. I wasn't sure what had just happened, but I knew that something had happened. I was different...at least I hoped I was different. I didn't tell anyone what happened. I wasn't sure it was real.
3 days later I had to take the kids somewhere. For 18 months when we drove past the place where I had our car accident my hands would sweat & my stomach drew up in knots. On this day, we drove past that point & it wasn't until we were past it pretty far did I realize that my hands were not sweating, nor was my stomach in knots! Then I told Scott.
After a few weeks of no more depression I knew that God had healed me. He had heard my cries.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of the deep waters. (Psalm 18:16)
He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. (Psalm 18:19)
That was in March. In April, I found out I was pregnant. I rejoiced! I cried! God had answered my prayers. I was so happy & blessed!
Zachary is a Hebrew name from the name "Zechariah". It means "God has remembered". God had remembered my requests to not have a baby while I was still depressed. He remembered me.
Asher is also Hebrew, meaning, "Happy & Blessed" (Genesis 30:13) No better words could describe how I felt when I realized I was pregnant. I truly was happy & blessed.
Now that Zachary is 9, he is one of our happiest children. He has the deepest dimples ever that shine as he smiles & giggles.
Zachary reminds me of God's amazing grace and forgiveness.
Zachary reminds me that God really cares & remembers our prayers.
Zachary reminds me on days when I feel depression setting in, I am free, I am healed and I am blessed.
I am truly a happy & blessed momma!