You Can't Fix Him

I had had it!  He didn't care.  I was convinced!

 I was so frustrated with my marriage. My husband wasn’t meeting my needs and it didn’t matter what I did, nothing changed.  We seemed like two cars, going in the opposite direction.

One night, around 2 AM, I woke up & couldn’t go back to sleep.  I was so bothered by my husbands’ lack of affection & attention to me.  On this particular night I couldn’t sleep so I started to pray for my husband.

  When all else fails pray…right?

“I just can’t get Scott to wake up & realize how he is not meeting my needs & I would really appreciate it if you would tell him to do these things for me. I just feel so lonely and frustrated. You are God. Tell him to buck up & be a man lead his family and take care of his wife. I can’t fix him, I need to you to do that!”

 As I prayed, telling God what I needed from my husband, my prayer shifted from me and onto Scott.

“I LOVE him so much God.  He is a wonderful father and an even better husband.  He loves you more than he loves me.  Thank you so much for giving him to me.  What does he need from me?”

The words were barely out of my mouth before the Lord began to fill my mind with a long list of things my husband needed from me.  I got up and went in the other room so I could write these things down.  I looked at this long list and began to weep.  I understood now.

How could I expect my husband to do anything for me when I was not meeting his needs?  I expected him to do for me what I would not do for him.  I wept and asked God to forgive me and help me to act on these things that God had showed me. 

Part of my list:

o   tell him you appreciate him,

o   tell him you are proud of him

o   tell him he is a great dad

o   Thank him for being a fantastic husband.

What was not on my list?

o   More sex

o   Wash his clothes

o   Fix his dinner

God knew what he needed even if Scott didn’t know. And it wasn't Scott that needed to be fixed...It was me!

Over the next few weeks I worked on the list.  I tried hard to encourage him and bless him with positive words.  I noticed something after a while.  He was meeting my needs.  He was doing many of those things that I wanted him to do and I had never mentioned any of them to him.

Now, when I begin feeling needy I examine my own heart and actions towards my husband.  Many times I am the one who needs to shape up.  I ask the Lord to help me be faithful to my role as Scott’s wife.  It isn’t easy, but I am always blessed by the results.

Proverbs 31:11. 

 Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.  

She will not hinder him but help him all her life.

A Wife Who Enriches Her Husband

My morning was not off to a good start.  I was behind and the day really had not even started yet.  I had a dozen or so things I needed to get done and then I got a text from my husband.

I need you to take my clothes to the cleaners.

One more thing on my list. Ugh!  

And if my attitude wasn’t bad enough I replied to his text.

Don’t worry, I will.  Trying to get kids up.  Need a shower. Gotta get laundry going. Need to get groceries today. Trying to keep Charlie out of the trash…but don’t worry.  Your clothes will get to the cleaners!

Oh yes…I did send that text to my poor husband who had no idea what was coming to him.  All he knew was that his clothes needed to be at the cleaners and he couldn’t take them.  He didn’t know I had a super bad attitude… until he got that text from me.



If I am to be the kind of wife that is described in this scripture, I had a lot of attitude adjusting to do.  It wasn’t my husbands fault I felt overwhelmed that day.  It was mine.
I looked up the word, “enrich”.

Enrich is to make fuller, more meaningful, or more rewarding. (Freedictionary.com)

This is part of my ministry to my husband…to make his life with me meaningful, rewarding and fuller.  When I let my attitude get nasty I am doing the complete opposite. 

I’m not saying I need to ignore my own emotions in order to make my husband’s life wonderful. But, if my emotions are creating reactions ,like my text message, that are rude & unfair then those emotions are not productive. I need to deal with them, not share them or push them onto him.

I love this verse, because it says as his wife I have the potential to greatly enrich his life and that is what I desire. I am learning to keep my own attitude in check.  I’m learning to guard my mouth (& text messages).  I’m learning to remember that my husband doesn’t ask much of me at all and if all he needs is for me to take his clothes to the cleaners then that is my priority that day.

So, what can I do today to greatly enrich his life?

I think that is a great question to ask yourself.  If you aren’t sure, ask your husband.  I bet he will have some idea’s.

Teaching Purity

I ran across this 4 part documentary that I just had to share with you.  The documentary is called "Virgin Daughters" and it takes you into the lives of several families who participate in the Purity Ball in Colorado.  These families are raising their daughters to be committed to remaining pure until their wedding day.

It is such a strange concept in today's society to ask a person to not even kiss until the wedding.  But, these families do that, and so do we.  We have taught our children since they were little that God gives you one first kiss and that is meant for your future husband or wife.  It is a gift that you are able to give to them, your purity.  Our daughters are 20, 18, 16 & 6.  None of my daughters have dated or kissed a boy yet.  They take their purity very seriously!  We teach this to our sons also.  We pray for our children that this will be a conviction in their heart because as you will see in this documentary if it isn't a conviction in your child's heart they won't take it seriously and results can be dangerous.  It isn't easy to stick with this as my older kids will tell you, but they don't regret it either.
 

I wanted to share this documentary with you because I think these families describe very well the importance of raising our children to be pure and that it isn't impossible.  While I may not agree with everything that is said, I do agree with the importance & Biblical mandate that is on parents to raise their children to seek purity.


Part 1



Part 2



Part 3


Part 4

Another Anniversary

Tomorrow is Scott & mine's 21st wedding anniversary.  For the first time in several years, he is home & not at our church children's camp.  I'm hoping we can go out for dinner at least.

I thought I would post the link to the posts I have written specifically about marriage.  I didn't realize there were so few. I guess I don't write on this topic as much as I thought I did.  I'm still learning about this marriage stuff & definitely don't feel as open to write about it as I guess I do other stuff.

Marriage posts

Wedding day...1990

Date night!

Celebrating 20

I'm talking anniversary's here.

1990

The 1st is special because we actually made it a whole year & not many thought we would.  We broke all the rules when it comes to how long you should know someone before you say "I do".  On our wedding day, Scott & I had known each other exactly 11 months & 2 weeks.  According to statistics, our chances of staying married were really slim.

The 5th was important for me because our 4th year of marriage was really hard.  We had our 5th baby already.  Scotts' business was doing great, but he also was never home.  We had a small farming & ranching operation.  Small in that it was Scott, his dad & a few employee's and thousands of acres of land to farm & hundreds of cows to manage. I had 5 children 5 yrs & younger and was in complete survival mode.  When Scott was home, he was amazing with the kids.  I would take them out to the farm to see him & they loved that & so did he!

2004

The 10th was huge!  I got diamonds on that anniversary & I still wear the necklace.  July of 2000, we had our 7th child who was in a body cast because when he was born his hips were not properly formed so his hips would not stay in the sockets.  So, treatment was 4 months in a body cast.  In the midst of that, I was still struggling with post traumatic stress disorder as a result of the car accident I had 10 months prior.  I was depressed, often had panic attacks or flashbacks of the accident.  I was thankful to be alive to celebrate another anniversary with my husband.  I was even more thankful that he was sticking with me because I was not an easy person to be around during that 18 months.

The 15th anniversary, life was getting even harder than it was during the 10th. Scott's business was gone.  We had filed bankruptcy and watched as the farm equipment was auctioned off.  It was a hard time.  Scott had to start all over & began a new business in Real Estate.  We were told that Real Estate was feast or famine & we totally know what they were talking about.  We have experienced both...mostly famine.  But through all of that, Scott & I grew closer to each other as together we sought the Lord for wisdom & direction.

2009

Today is our 20th anniversary.  On our first anniversary we tried to think of what our life would be like on our 20th anniversary.  Well, it is nothing like what we thought it would be except that Scott & I are definitely more in love with each other now than we were even last year.  We have, together, experienced great difficulty in our lives but our marriage has only grown stronger.  We are best friends.  He is the one I want to tell my good news to first.  He is the only one I cry on. He is the one that can read me better than anyone, even me.  I understand now what that passage of scripture means when it says, "...the two shall become one flesh" Matthew 19:5  Scott & I are one in many ways, even in silly ways like finishing each other's sentences or coordinating our outfits without knowing what the other is wearing.  His pain is my pain & his joy is my joy.  We weep together and we rejoice together.  We celebrate our differences because that makes our relationship even more interesting.  He is a morning person & I am a night owl.  He is spontaneous and I am a planner.  He is risk taker and don't like taking risks.  He stretches me and I stretch him.  In the midst of all our differences comes a love that had to be born of God because I am not capable of love like this on my own.


What's our secret?  God.  We couldn't have made it one year if we had not committed our marriage to God.  We decided the first day of our marriage that it was for the rest of our lives.  We stood before our friends and family & made a vow, but even more important than that we made a vow to God.  Whatever happened during our marriage we would not consider divorce, we would take our troubles to the Lord and let him guide us through and he has done that very faithfully.  God has been faithful to us in spite of our unfaithfulness to him many times.

Thank you Lord for your beautiful gift of marriage and for blessing me with undoubtedly the most wonderful man in the world!

Monday Night Date Night!

If you follow me on Facebook then you probably know that I love Monday's!  About 3 years ago, Scott & I blocked out all Monday nights just for us.  It is our night to go to dinner, see a movie or just take a long walk. The kids have to stay home, there are no activities allowed on the calendar except for the occasional babysitting job.  We protect it as best we can and it has worked.

It is so important for couples, no matter  how long you have been married to still date each other.  Think about before you dated.  What was it that you enjoyed so much about going out with your future husband?  For me, I loved that it was our time to get to know each other better.  We would ask each other questions about our past or about our dreams of the future.  We would laugh about embarrassing moments or discuss our passions & dreams.

Why does that have to stop when we say, "I do".  It doesn't.  You will spend the rest of your marriage getting to know your husband, at least you should.  You will never know everything that there is to know about him. You may think you do, but you don't. Dating just makes getting to know him better a lot more fun!

When you "date" your husband it is an opportunity to invest more of yourself in him. Find out more about him.  Ask him questions about something that you have never asked him about before, maybe his childhood or about his parents.

It doesn't have to be a fancy date or expensive, it can be very simple & cheap.  Scott has basically been unemployed for over a year now & I think we have only missed a couple of date nights because of money issues.

Some of our dates nights include things like;

• Dinner. We don't like to spend more than $20 on dinner so if it normally is more than $20, we don't go unless we have a special offer.  It isn't so much about where we eat at as it is that we are eating alone with out kids.  Even if we are eating at Taco Bell, it doesn't matter, we are eating alone.
• Movie.  This is a rare one, but occasionally  we will see a movie if there is something showing that we would want to see.  There happens to be one of the cheapest Theaters in our town really close by so that makes it more affordable.
• Book Store.  We love books!  We have a really great Half-Price Book store really close to us, so we go there almost every week.  We like to sell there also.  But, we have a little game we like to play when we go.  See who can find the best bargain.  They have a great clearance section & many times we will find some really great books for a $1!  Last week we hit the jack pot!  We found C.H. Spurgeons' complete commentary on Psalms for a grand total of $6.  Scott & I like studying theology and often can find some really great bargains.  We like the books that no one else wants, so it works.
• Long Walks.  We live in McKinney, Texas & it has a really nice & historic downtown area.  Scott & I like to walk downtown on evenings when the weather is nice.  Most of the stores are already closed so that keeps me from wanting to spend money.  There is always plenty to look at & a good old fashioned conversation about our past always happens.
• Coffee.  We always end the evening with a cup of coffee or soda from McDonalds.  We used to go to Starbucks, but we found out that we like the coffee at McDonalds better.  No one is there by the time we get there.  We sit in the same booth every week.  This is where we really get some good discussions going.  We talk about the kids, about our church, whatever we want to talk about.  There are no rules.  Some couples try not to talk about their kids, but this is when Scott & I can discuss problem area's we see or victories we see in our kids.  We don't have that opportunity at home.

What about the kids?  Well, for us we have built in babysitters now so we don't have to get a sitter.  But if you do need someone to watch your kids then do it!  If you can't afford a sitter, then trade off with a friend.  You keep their kids one week & they keep your kids the next week. IF you don't have any friends or family close by then you get to be really creative with your date nights.

Put the kids to bed early.

• Get some take out dinner, rent a movie, spread a blanket on the floor, open your favorite bottle of wine, throw some pillows down on the floor & voila...you have a date night!
• Pop some popcorn, pull out a board game that you never get to play anymore.
• Try to recreate your first date as best as you can without leaving your house.  Scott & I saw the movie, "Dead Poets Society" on our first date so we rented that one time & watched it.  What was fun is we ended up talking more about that date & what we thought of each other than watching the actual movie.

Why is this so important?  One day your kids will leave your house(at least they are supposed to).  One day your life will not be about getting kids to their next sports practice or helping with homework.  Your life will be about you & your husband.  I tell my kids that their dad was my husband before he was their dad!  That means to them that he comes before they do.  When your kids leave, will you be satisfied for it to be just you & your husband?  If you don't know each other very well it will be really hard!

Dating your husband is one little stone in the process of building your homes to God's glory!  It is worth the effort & trouble that it takes to get out of the house with out your kids.  It doesn't have to be every week, it can be once a month, just put it on the calendar.  It will strengthen your marriage, thus making you better parents.

Do you have a date night?  I would love to hear about it!  Post your comment below & tell me how you & your husband make time for each other.

10 Ways to Love Your Man

Today is Monday(what is left of it).

Monday, for me, is more than just the beginning of a new week. It is date night for me and my husband Scott. Several years ago we knew that we had to do something to make time for just us. Living in a house with 10 kids makes it almost impossible to have a conversation with out someone interrupting you. Our date nights are simple; cheap dinner, walk around a book store or other store(not spending money unless we need to), sit in McDonalds sharing a soda & fries while we talk about whatever we want to talk about. Sometimes we go to a movie, but most times we don't.

It is so important that your husband knows that he is priority in your life. He was your husband before he was their father.

Here are a few things I have learned about loving my man;

1. Start your day in prayer for your man. Pray blessings of wisdom, discernment and protection on him. Ask God what your husband needs from you.
2. Tell him you love him everyday.
3. Tell him you are proud of him everyday.(this means as much if not more than "I love you")
4. Hug & cuddle everyday. Don't be afraid to hug & kiss in front of your kids. They need to see their parents love each other. Just don't get carried away. My son often tells us, "Get a room!" when we kiss.
5. Kiss everyday
6. Walk him to his car in the morning when he is leaving for work.
7. Email him or call him to see how his day is going.
8. If you can, put on a clean shirt & comb your hair before he comes home. I try to change my shirt since I usually have yuck all over it. But many times my husband walks in before I am expecting him. That is always a great surprise.
9. Meet him at the door with a kiss & another hug...if possible. I have a hard time catching him.  The kids usually beat me to him.
10. Cook dinners that he likes as often as you can, not just for you & the kids. Lunch time is when I fix things that the kids like. Dinner is for him.

These are simple, not very time consuming and can make a difference.

Meek & Quiet Helper

Genesis 2:18, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Have you ever asked God for a meek & quiet spirit?

God showed me Genesis 2:18 through a book I was reading a many years ago. I would love to think of myself as meek and quiet, but, I’m not even close most of the time. My meek and quiet spirit will jump right out the window as soon as my husband comes home and does things like....well, nothing! You know what I’m talking about; they come in and get in their chair instead of rolling up their sleeves and helping me finish whatever housework or schoolwork that didn’t get done for that day. I looked over that verse and read it and reread it and then the light bulb went on. I got it! God didn’t create the man to help the woman; the woman was created to help the man. We are to be his support and encourager, his cheerleader. The Hebrew word for "helper" is "ezer". The KJV has translated it as the famous word we have all come to know and love as "help-meet". But ezer really translates to more of a support, much like an equalizer.

I grew up with a very traditional, non-feministic mother who truly believed in serving her husband out of love and respect. I never questioned that and I also love doing the same for my husband, but I still wondered why the Bible didn’t say that the husband should help do laundry or dishes (my version of Proverbs 31) I hear other women talk about their husbands doing laundry, bathing kids...neat stuff like that, and I kept wondering, “What is wrong with my husband?”

I realized that this verse is saying that he wasn’t created for that purpose. It doesn’t mean he can’t do it, but I shouldn’t expect it from him. When I expect him to help me do something and it doesn’t get done, no longer can meek and quiet fit my description! My husband does help me a lot and I try to let him see my appreciation, but I have to admit that there are times when I am wishing for more help. I often wonder if he realizes how much I try to accomplish, but fail everyday. Things happen like kids getting hurt, windows breaking, toilets overflowing and meals not getting finished on time, marker on the wall and that is just in one hour! My husband does care about all of that! That is why he still comes home everyday to our house of chaos. I have learned that believe it or not, our husbands cannot read our minds! If I need his help, all I have to do is say, “I need your help” and I get it. It is so great how that works.

I have been praying for the Lord to show me the true joy I can receive in my sticky floors, stinky kids and a really tired husband who works so very hard. I ask Him for a meek & quiet spirit so that I may be a blessing to my family. Day by day He is showing me that joy.

How Great is His Faithfulness!

The Generous Wife

Have you heard of The Generous Wife?

For a few years now, I have received a short little email once a day giving me idea's of how I can be generous to my husband. Some are quite creative, others romantic, a lot of just basic stuff we should already be doing. Many I have read and thought, "Now why didn't I think of that!"

It is easy to sign up, just go to her site, The Generous Wife

Here is today's tip...

Clean up one of your husband's messes. Yes, I know they can be aggravating, but how nice it is to have someone care enough to help you out.

... be ready for every good deed. Titus 3:1 NAS

Be generous! Lori <><

19 years ago today...

19 years ago today I was getting a manicure, packing my suitcase & getting my things ready to go to the church for my wedding. I was a very young 18 year old girl, madly in love with a 21 year old man.

Looking back, I can't believe we married so early. It was all the Lord though because neither one of us were looking to get married that early. God is so good & faithful.

The past 19 years has brought many many good times & it's own fair share of difficult times too. We have been blessed with 10 children. We never dreamed God would allow us so many. We thought maybe 5 or 6, but He doubly blessed us!

He has strengthened our faith over the years through various trials that have in turn also strengthened our marriage. As we have grown closer to the Lord, we have grown closer to each other. With each turn in the road we have seen his hand in our life as He is working to draw us into a more intimate relationship with him. Our marriage here on earth is such a great picture of our heavenly marriage with Jesus Christ our bridegroom.

Scott is such an amazing man. I could not have dreamed up a better husband and father than him. He has kept our family going through extremely difficult circumstances. When the bank account is empty and there is nothing he can do he is on his knees seeking the Lord's direction.

When our children have rebelled, Scott is up early in the morning seeking the Lord for answers and strength to not strangle the rebellious one. :o) He is so good at sitting back and observing our children, learning their bent & strengths. He parents according to their personalities and wins their heart everytime. His children respect and honor him.

I call him the fun one in the house. If is were not for him, I don't think we would ever have fun. He is spontaneous where I have to plan everything out.

He is still very romantic, he likes telling others that our honeymoon isn't over. He takes me out every Monday night for dinner and just a time of relaxing discussion with no kids to interrupt.

He has a passion for the Lord and the scriptures that inspires me daily. He gets so excited when the Lord reveals new truths to him and I love it when he shares that with me. He loves meeting with other fathers and encouraging them in their walk with the Lord.

Today on our anniversary, he is at Children's Camp with our church. They needed another man to go, so he went. He is hanging out with 10 4th grade boys in the 100 degree Texas heat. He just sent me a text telling me he loves me & is getting a killer tan. :o) I miss him while he is gone, but he is there being available to the Lord to be used in those young boys lives. We are praying that at least one will trust Christ as his Savior and that Scott can be the one who prays with him.

Happy Anniversary Babe! Hoping for 19 more years...at least.