A question was posed to me on Facebook recently by a friend. Here is what she posted.
This is going to sound like a huge whine bag but....when you and your husband know in your soul that you are supposed to leave your fertility to God. Then, you have 5 miscarriages (3 1st trimester and 2 2nd tri losses)....nobody knows why. I know that true submission...doesn't mean you are going to "get your way"...and I did/do see beauty from my losses, totally. But, what are we supposed to do now? Two of my ob's will no longer help us because "it will happen again". I desire more children and so does my husband. But, it seems kinda irresponsible to be creating lives that have a good chance of dying before they are even born. (I guess not for the babies...a short trip to paradise would be amazing.) But, the aftermath that baby loss brings is crushing for the whole family. Everything in our souls say "try again" but, I'm scared we *think* it is God saying that.....but, it is really our desire saying that. Don't get me wrong...baby loss devastated me all 5 times. BUT, I would not trade my journey...what that devastation did for my relationship w/ Christ...was amazing. It seems weird that thru the death of these babies....I really connected w/ the preciousness of God's heart. I don't wanna sound like a whine bag...I am thankful God took care of us during our sad time. I just need to know what to do now.
Oh the sadness and desperation I hear in this sweet mother’s message. Her desire for more children and yet the fear of losing another baby is overwhelming. My heart hurts for her.
The first thing I want to say is that the desire for more children is not wrong. It is never wrong unless you desire children out of the wrong motive. Something I am learning is that God often gives us desires to show us area’s in our life that we are not truly depending on him. It isn’t that he has no intention of satisfying that desire, but often the way he chooses to satisfy is not the way we would have chosen.
We need to be careful that we are not trying to satisfy a legitimate desire with illegitimate sources of satisfaction.
For instance, if someone has the desire to be accepted by others they may try to satisfy that desire in ways that are not part of God’s plan. She may try to woo those she wants to be accepted by with invitations to dinner or buying gifts. She may try to change the way she dresses or what she does in her free time to impress the other crowd. Instead of allowing the Lord to satisfy that desire to be accepted in his way and his time which will leave her completely satisfied. Her way will never bring complete satisfaction.
it seems kinda irresponsible to be creating lives that have a good chance of dying before they are even born
Well, we know that God is the creator of life, not us. And I won’t begin to understand why he allows conception only to take it away. God’s ways are not my ways. I think often our view of God is not accurate. We want him to be a God who only brings good to our lives and never responsible for difficult things to happen.
Job had an accurate view of God.
He said. “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away…” (Job 1:21)
Job didn’t blame his loss on anyone; he knew that God is the one who allows things to be given and to be taken away. And because he knew this he could say,
“Blessed be the name of the LORD.”
Sometimes things happen that we just can’t understand, but we shouldn’t exhaust our self in trying to understand, but rather exhaust our self in the truth that God is in control even when things feel out of control.
Something else to realize about Job is that his losing everything was not a result of his sin. God called him righteous. I think God wanted to prove a point, he knows us better than we know our selves. He knows what we can handle when we turn to him for strength. He used this trial in Job’s life to show Job how faithful he really was to God.
Now back to my friend. She asked what they should do now. Do they keep trying to have kids? My question to her is,
“How much do you trust God?”
If he called you to trust him with your fertility, then are you ok with how he works that out? The pain is deep. I understand that. And it is hard to understand why he would bring you into submission on this if it seems that he will not give you the desire of your heart. This hope for another child is painful but God is not calling you to be content with your pain, but to hope in Him and his way. I think he wants us to know if we can be satisfied with Him even if the desires of our heart are never satisfied on this side of Heaven.
“True contentment and hope are characterized by a willingness to always hope for what it good without demanding that it be fulfilled our own way or in our own time. True contentment trusts and hopes in an all-wise, all-powerful, all loving God who is sovereign in our lives as well as in human history. So we can continue to hope with passion and compassion in the midst of a disappointing world. Pain and disappointment can coexist with a vibrant hope.” Gwynne Johnson (Developing a Discerning Heart)
God understands your pain and your tears. They are nothing to be ashamed of and they are not sinful as long as we don’t sit and nest in them. We are to take our fears and disappointment to God, lay them at his feet and seek his face. He knows our heart, he knows our desires…he placed them there. But, he wants us to see through all the pain and fear, his deep love for us and wants us to trust him with the next step…whatever that is.
I love how my friend shares that she is thankful for the sweet relationship with Jesus this painful season has brought about. It seems to make all the pain worth it, when we realize how personal and intimate we have become with our Lord.
I can’t tell my friend what they should do next. I can’t tell her if they should keep trying to have more kids. I can only encourage her to go before her Heavenly Father, sit at his feet and be still. Let him minister to her hurting heart. Let him comfort her as only He can. Let him whisper into her soul complete satisfaction to all her desires.
I can’t help but think of the amazing welcome party this mom will have when she gets to heaven. All of those sweet babies, there to welcome their mother home!
Maybe you have some encouragement for my friend. I would love for you to share your thoughts as a comment.Psalm 37:5, “Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.