Friday, January 14, 2011

Happy & Blessed

All day I have tried to get to my computer to tell you about Zach, but with so many in the house who "need" to use the computer, I found myself waiting in line like the rest of the family.

Today is Zach's birthday.  A few facts about Zach...
  • He is the 8th child.
  • He is the 5th boy
  • He is the only child with dimples.
  • His middle name is Asher, who was Jacobs' 8th child.
  • He loves Root Beer & Skittles

But, that is not all I wanted to tell you about Zachary.  If you read my post about Ben, you read how I went through a depression (as a result of a car accident) while I was pregnant with him.  Soon after Ben was born I knew that I didn't want to have another baby & still be depressed.  I was sick.  My kids didn't have the mother they needed or deserved.  My husband didn't have the wife he needed or deserved.  I prayed that God would not give me another baby until He had healed me of my depression.  I had never prayed like that before.  I had never asked God to close my womb, children are a gift from God and I never wanted to say "No" to His gifts.  But, this prayer came out of my mouth anyway. "Please don't let me get pregnant".  I didn't trust myself as a mother.  I didn't like the kind of mother I had become.
I went months heading the advice of my closest friends who knew I struggled with depression.  I went to see a therapist who was more interested in how I manage a house full of kids than helping me.  I talked to my pastor who told me I was too difficult a case for him & suggested I go see someone & get on medicine.  I read self-help books.  I even talked to someone from Focus on the Family!  Nothing worked.
One day while having devotions with my children the Holy Spirit began to speak to me through the verses I was reading to my children.  I was so overcome with emotion that I quickly ended the devotion, gave my children busy work & headed to my room to pray & cry.

I re-read the scriptures I had read to my children & began talking to the Lord out loud.

I don't want to be like this anymore!  I don't want to be depressed!  Help me!  I'm sorry for trying to fix myself & not trusting you.  I'm sorry for believing the lies of the enemy.  You are the only one who can set me free from this!  Only you can make me whole & well again. I want to be happy.  I want to enjoy my kids & husband again. Help me!

I had my eyes closed & then opened them.  I saw colors I had not seen in months.  I noticed beauty that I had not noticed in so long.  I wasn't sure what had just happened, but I knew that something had happened.  I was least I hoped I was different.  I didn't tell anyone what happened.  I wasn't sure it was real.
3 days later I had to take the kids somewhere.  For 18 months when we drove past the place where I had our car accident my hands would sweat & my stomach drew up in knots. On this day, we drove past that point & it wasn't until we were past it pretty far did I realize that my hands were not sweating, nor was my stomach in knots!  Then I told Scott.
After a few weeks of no more depression I knew that God had healed me.  He had heard my cries.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of the deep waters. (Psalm 18:16)
He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. (Psalm 18:19)

That was in March.  In April, I found out I was pregnant.  I rejoiced!  I cried!  God had answered my prayers.  I was so happy & blessed!

Zachary is a Hebrew name from the name "Zechariah".  It means "God has remembered".  God had remembered my requests to not have a baby while I was still depressed.  He remembered me.
Asher is also Hebrew, meaning, "Happy & Blessed" (Genesis 30:13)  No better words could describe how I felt when I realized I was pregnant.  I truly was happy & blessed.
Now that Zachary is 9, he is one of our happiest children.  He has the deepest dimples ever that shine as he smiles & giggles.

Zachary reminds me of God's amazing grace and forgiveness.
Zachary reminds me that God really cares & remembers our prayers.
Zachary reminds me on days when I feel depression setting in, I am free, I am healed and I am blessed.

I am truly a happy & blessed momma!